Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Are We There Yet?

So much has been going on, and yet at the same time, so little has been happening.

About six weeks ago, I had a complete breakdown.  (Around the time that Chyken was in hospital with pneumonia.)  The stress of 2010 finally took its toll on me and I have ended up exactly where I didn't want to be, taking happy pills and seeing a shrink.  I'm having huge trouble seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.  While I'm fairly confident I wouldn't actually do it, I have found myself thinking how easy it would be just to drive my car into a tree on my way home from work.  I'm tired of life.  I can't seem to focus on the fact that I have many wonderful things in my life, I can only focus on the shit things.  I AM going to fix this.  It will NOT be easy, but I can do it.  I am a strong person.  It will get better.  I will enjoy life again.  (Perhaps if I say these things often enough they will become fact?)

So, apologies for the crap-ness of the blog of late.  I just haven't had the energy.  It is taking everything I have just to get out of bed in the mornings.  Some mornings I can't even do that.  While I thought I was just having a hard time coping with the loss of Dad last Christmas, the shrink thinks it is much deeper than that and that this is probably Post Traumatic Stress Disorder all over again.  For many reasons, and maybe I will explain that further in another post.  Perhaps I never got rid of it last time?  We'll never know.  All I know is that I have to get rid of it this time, this is no way to live.

It makes me sad that mental illness is misunderstood by so many people.  If I told people I had diabetes or a broken leg, they would be super sympathetic and make loads of concessions for me, but because my illness is mental, I am supposed to just 'get over it'.  People don't understand that a mental illness makes you feel unwell physically as well. 

I.  Am.  So.  Bloody.  Tired.  No matter how much sleep I have, it is never enough lately.  There are so many things to be done around the Castle, and I want to do them, I really do, but I'm so TIRED.  And while I'm really not looking forward to Christmas at all, I am looking forward to the nine wonderful days off work it is going to give me.  I need them, oh how I need them!  In truth, I'd love to skip straight to at least February, but as I don't have a time machine, that's not going to happen.

While I'm here, if you know me in the real world, and I've seemed a bit 'off' lately, (ie: bursting into tears at children's birthday parties) then hopefully this post might help explain it.  I find it a hard thing to talk about to my friends, for fear of them not understanding, and perhaps judging me. (As I typed that, I realised how ridiculous that sounds, my head KNOWS that's not true, but it's taking my heart a while to catch  up!).  Please accept this world wide web version of an apology.

If you, or someone you know is struggling with depression, PTSD or any kind of mental illness, I urge you to go to Beyond Blue. Or call them on 1300 22 4636. You also might like to check out Mood Gym.

There IS help out there, you just have to ask.

P.S. For anyone else like me who is struggling with the current holiday season, please read this post over on a blog that I love... Marriage Confessions.  Katie is a beautiful writer, and this post struck SO many chords with me.  Admittedly, not so much the God stuff, as I am still undecided about God, but the stuff about loss and change.  Her entire website is wonderful!  Check it out!

***edit*** P.P.S Thanks so much to the people that have sent me facebook and sms messages since I put up this post.  Please don't worry about me, I will be OK.  And I love you guys too!

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