Sunday, December 19, 2010

Feeling The Love

I was overwhelmed by the response to my last post.  Thank you for the love, for the words of encouragement, the offers of cookies, for telling me I'm brave and for giving me hope that it will get better.  Not to mention the wonderful suggestion of googling 'baboon's bums' when I was feeling sad.  (You know who you are!  Thanks!)

It is so lovely to know that I am not alone in feeling this way.  Well, actually, scratch that, the fact that many of you wrote to me to tell me that you had felt this way before isn't so lovely, it concerns me a bit, you could have told me, I would have understood.  Not that I could have helped.  But a problem shared is a problem halved and all that.  Last time I was 'sick' I was so surprised to find out that several people who I thought 'had it all together' so to speak had been suffering, but had never told anyone, including me.

Why is mental illness such a taboo subject?  We tell our friends and family when we have a cold, or when we are in hospital having our appendix out.  I include myself in this for I haven't been yelling it from the rooftops, the first most of my friends and family knew about how I've been feeling is when they read that last post.  Sure, they probably knew I'd been upset, but I doubt they knew just how bad it had gotten for me.  There are other friends and family who I don't think read my blog, and unless those that do read it decide to tell them, then I guess they might not ever know.  I'm OK with that, one day I might tell them, but perhaps I won't?  I don't need a rousing chorus of  'Why didn't you tell me?' to add to the pile of guilt I've already got going on.

I have been made to feel guilty lately for doing things and for not doing things, for saying things and then for not saying things.  I am trying very hard not to feel guilty.  I have nothing to feel guilty about, I am doing the best I can at the moment and that is all anyone should be expecting of me.  I have taken a giant leap off the Weight Watchers wagon, and right now I really don't care.  I will be getting back on it in the new year.  (By the by, the WW iPhone app ROCKS!!!)

I'm trying to learn that I have no control how other people act, I can only control how I react to their behaviour.  Sure, people can call me names, they can bully me, they can try and blame me for their own issues.  I can't stop them doing any of those things.  I can only control how I respond.  At the moment I am responding by keeping my distance.  And I will NOT feel guilty about it.   No matter how hard they try to make me.

This year has been one of the longest and the shortest all at the same time.  So much has happened.  Both good and bad.  The good news is that we are finally settled in our own Castle.  We are even starting to do things in the Castle Grounds.  I am looking forward to doing more there over my time off between Christmas and New Year.  Chyken and I also have a small camping trip to Mildura planned, that should be fun.

Before all that though, I have to get through the hardest week of this year.  During this coming week I have the following to deal with:

One of only three Christmases I can remember where I won't see my sister on Christmas and/or Boxing Day.
My first Christmas without my Dad.
The anniversary of the last time I saw my Dad.
The anniversary of my Dad's death.

Wish me luck?

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