Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Feeling The Love
I was overwhelmed by the response to my last post. Thank you for the love, for the words of encouragement, the offers of cookies, for telling me I'm brave and for giving me hope that it will get better. Not to mention the wonderful suggestion of googling 'baboon's bums' when I was feeling sad. (You know who you are! Thanks!)
It is so lovely to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. Well, actually, scratch that, the fact that many of you wrote to me to tell me that you had felt this way before isn't so lovely, it concerns me a bit, you could have told me, I would have understood. Not that I could have helped. But a problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Last time I was 'sick' I was so surprised to find out that several people who I thought 'had it all together' so to speak had been suffering, but had never told anyone, including me.
Why is mental illness such a taboo subject? We tell our friends and family when we have a cold, or when we are in hospital having our appendix out. I include myself in this for I haven't been yelling it from the rooftops, the first most of my friends and family knew about how I've been feeling is when they read that last post. Sure, they probably knew I'd been upset, but I doubt they knew just how bad it had gotten for me. There are other friends and family who I don't think read my blog, and unless those that do read it decide to tell them, then I guess they might not ever know. I'm OK with that, one day I might tell them, but perhaps I won't? I don't need a rousing chorus of 'Why didn't you tell me?' to add to the pile of guilt I've already got going on.
I have been made to feel guilty lately for doing things and for not doing things, for saying things and then for not saying things. I am trying very hard not to feel guilty. I have nothing to feel guilty about, I am doing the best I can at the moment and that is all anyone should be expecting of me. I have taken a giant leap off the Weight Watchers wagon, and right now I really don't care. I will be getting back on it in the new year. (By the by, the WW iPhone app ROCKS!!!)
I'm trying to learn that I have no control how other people act, I can only control how I react to their behaviour. Sure, people can call me names, they can bully me, they can try and blame me for their own issues. I can't stop them doing any of those things. I can only control how I respond. At the moment I am responding by keeping my distance. And I will NOT feel guilty about it. No matter how hard they try to make me.
This year has been one of the longest and the shortest all at the same time. So much has happened. Both good and bad. The good news is that we are finally settled in our own Castle. We are even starting to do things in the Castle Grounds. I am looking forward to doing more there over my time off between Christmas and New Year. Chyken and I also have a small camping trip to Mildura planned, that should be fun.
Before all that though, I have to get through the hardest week of this year. During this coming week I have the following to deal with:
One of only three Christmases I can remember where I won't see my sister on Christmas and/or Boxing Day.
My first Christmas without my Dad.
The anniversary of the last time I saw my Dad.
The anniversary of my Dad's death.
Wish me luck?
It is so lovely to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. Well, actually, scratch that, the fact that many of you wrote to me to tell me that you had felt this way before isn't so lovely, it concerns me a bit, you could have told me, I would have understood. Not that I could have helped. But a problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Last time I was 'sick' I was so surprised to find out that several people who I thought 'had it all together' so to speak had been suffering, but had never told anyone, including me.
Why is mental illness such a taboo subject? We tell our friends and family when we have a cold, or when we are in hospital having our appendix out. I include myself in this for I haven't been yelling it from the rooftops, the first most of my friends and family knew about how I've been feeling is when they read that last post. Sure, they probably knew I'd been upset, but I doubt they knew just how bad it had gotten for me. There are other friends and family who I don't think read my blog, and unless those that do read it decide to tell them, then I guess they might not ever know. I'm OK with that, one day I might tell them, but perhaps I won't? I don't need a rousing chorus of 'Why didn't you tell me?' to add to the pile of guilt I've already got going on.
I have been made to feel guilty lately for doing things and for not doing things, for saying things and then for not saying things. I am trying very hard not to feel guilty. I have nothing to feel guilty about, I am doing the best I can at the moment and that is all anyone should be expecting of me. I have taken a giant leap off the Weight Watchers wagon, and right now I really don't care. I will be getting back on it in the new year. (By the by, the WW iPhone app ROCKS!!!)
I'm trying to learn that I have no control how other people act, I can only control how I react to their behaviour. Sure, people can call me names, they can bully me, they can try and blame me for their own issues. I can't stop them doing any of those things. I can only control how I respond. At the moment I am responding by keeping my distance. And I will NOT feel guilty about it. No matter how hard they try to make me.
This year has been one of the longest and the shortest all at the same time. So much has happened. Both good and bad. The good news is that we are finally settled in our own Castle. We are even starting to do things in the Castle Grounds. I am looking forward to doing more there over my time off between Christmas and New Year. Chyken and I also have a small camping trip to Mildura planned, that should be fun.
Before all that though, I have to get through the hardest week of this year. During this coming week I have the following to deal with:
One of only three Christmases I can remember where I won't see my sister on Christmas and/or Boxing Day.
My first Christmas without my Dad.
The anniversary of the last time I saw my Dad.
The anniversary of my Dad's death.
Wish me luck?
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Are We There Yet?
So much has been going on, and yet at the same time, so little has been happening.
About six weeks ago, I had a complete breakdown. (Around the time that Chyken was in hospital with pneumonia.) The stress of 2010 finally took its toll on me and I have ended up exactly where I didn't want to be, taking happy pills and seeing a shrink. I'm having huge trouble seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. While I'm fairly confident I wouldn't actually do it, I have found myself thinking how easy it would be just to drive my car into a tree on my way home from work. I'm tired of life. I can't seem to focus on the fact that I have many wonderful things in my life, I can only focus on the shit things. I AM going to fix this. It will NOT be easy, but I can do it. I am a strong person. It will get better. I will enjoy life again. (Perhaps if I say these things often enough they will become fact?)
So, apologies for the crap-ness of the blog of late. I just haven't had the energy. It is taking everything I have just to get out of bed in the mornings. Some mornings I can't even do that. While I thought I was just having a hard time coping with the loss of Dad last Christmas, the shrink thinks it is much deeper than that and that this is probably Post Traumatic Stress Disorder all over again. For many reasons, and maybe I will explain that further in another post. Perhaps I never got rid of it last time? We'll never know. All I know is that I have to get rid of it this time, this is no way to live.
It makes me sad that mental illness is misunderstood by so many people. If I told people I had diabetes or a broken leg, they would be super sympathetic and make loads of concessions for me, but because my illness is mental, I am supposed to just 'get over it'. People don't understand that a mental illness makes you feel unwell physically as well.
I. Am. So. Bloody. Tired. No matter how much sleep I have, it is never enough lately. There are so many things to be done around the Castle, and I want to do them, I really do, but I'm so TIRED. And while I'm really not looking forward to Christmas at all, I am looking forward to the nine wonderful days off work it is going to give me. I need them, oh how I need them! In truth, I'd love to skip straight to at least February, but as I don't have a time machine, that's not going to happen.
While I'm here, if you know me in the real world, and I've seemed a bit 'off' lately, (ie: bursting into tears at children's birthday parties) then hopefully this post might help explain it. I find it a hard thing to talk about to my friends, for fear of them not understanding, and perhaps judging me. (As I typed that, I realised how ridiculous that sounds, my head KNOWS that's not true, but it's taking my heart a while to catch up!). Please accept this world wide web version of an apology.
If you, or someone you know is struggling with depression, PTSD or any kind of mental illness, I urge you to go to Beyond Blue. Or call them on 1300 22 4636. You also might like to check out Mood Gym.
There IS help out there, you just have to ask.
P.S. For anyone else like me who is struggling with the current holiday season, please read this post over on a blog that I love... Marriage Confessions. Katie is a beautiful writer, and this post struck SO many chords with me. Admittedly, not so much the God stuff, as I am still undecided about God, but the stuff about loss and change. Her entire website is wonderful! Check it out!
***edit*** P.P.S Thanks so much to the people that have sent me facebook and sms messages since I put up this post. Please don't worry about me, I will be OK. And I love you guys too!
About six weeks ago, I had a complete breakdown. (Around the time that Chyken was in hospital with pneumonia.) The stress of 2010 finally took its toll on me and I have ended up exactly where I didn't want to be, taking happy pills and seeing a shrink. I'm having huge trouble seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. While I'm fairly confident I wouldn't actually do it, I have found myself thinking how easy it would be just to drive my car into a tree on my way home from work. I'm tired of life. I can't seem to focus on the fact that I have many wonderful things in my life, I can only focus on the shit things. I AM going to fix this. It will NOT be easy, but I can do it. I am a strong person. It will get better. I will enjoy life again. (Perhaps if I say these things often enough they will become fact?)
So, apologies for the crap-ness of the blog of late. I just haven't had the energy. It is taking everything I have just to get out of bed in the mornings. Some mornings I can't even do that. While I thought I was just having a hard time coping with the loss of Dad last Christmas, the shrink thinks it is much deeper than that and that this is probably Post Traumatic Stress Disorder all over again. For many reasons, and maybe I will explain that further in another post. Perhaps I never got rid of it last time? We'll never know. All I know is that I have to get rid of it this time, this is no way to live.
It makes me sad that mental illness is misunderstood by so many people. If I told people I had diabetes or a broken leg, they would be super sympathetic and make loads of concessions for me, but because my illness is mental, I am supposed to just 'get over it'. People don't understand that a mental illness makes you feel unwell physically as well.
I. Am. So. Bloody. Tired. No matter how much sleep I have, it is never enough lately. There are so many things to be done around the Castle, and I want to do them, I really do, but I'm so TIRED. And while I'm really not looking forward to Christmas at all, I am looking forward to the nine wonderful days off work it is going to give me. I need them, oh how I need them! In truth, I'd love to skip straight to at least February, but as I don't have a time machine, that's not going to happen.
While I'm here, if you know me in the real world, and I've seemed a bit 'off' lately, (ie: bursting into tears at children's birthday parties) then hopefully this post might help explain it. I find it a hard thing to talk about to my friends, for fear of them not understanding, and perhaps judging me. (As I typed that, I realised how ridiculous that sounds, my head KNOWS that's not true, but it's taking my heart a while to catch up!). Please accept this world wide web version of an apology.
If you, or someone you know is struggling with depression, PTSD or any kind of mental illness, I urge you to go to Beyond Blue. Or call them on 1300 22 4636. You also might like to check out Mood Gym.
There IS help out there, you just have to ask.
P.S. For anyone else like me who is struggling with the current holiday season, please read this post over on a blog that I love... Marriage Confessions. Katie is a beautiful writer, and this post struck SO many chords with me. Admittedly, not so much the God stuff, as I am still undecided about God, but the stuff about loss and change. Her entire website is wonderful! Check it out!
***edit*** P.P.S Thanks so much to the people that have sent me facebook and sms messages since I put up this post. Please don't worry about me, I will be OK. And I love you guys too!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
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